i met someone new. someone bold. someone vibrant. i was drawn to him like a magnet. he maybe only had like two real conversations with me. it was a thursday night, we passed each other- he was walking out, i was walking in this bar. he grabbed my arm and looked at me with these eyes that i felt like i could stare at for eternity. i haven’t felt that way since the first time i looked into M’s eyes. “what’s up hot ass” i could have fainted. for someone who didn’t even know me, barely spoke to me before this to come up and say that. i couldn’t stop thinking about it, but for some reason i didn’t answer his message because i had been afraid. afraid that i wouldn’t be enough, afraid of letting someone new in, afraid of being his rebound for he just got out of a 2 year relationship about a month ago, afraid of a repeat of what happened 2 years ago with C… afraid of well, everything. 2 days later, J comes into the bar i work at. he called me out for not answering him. another bold move. “who does this guy think he is?” i remember thinking to myself. i told him it would be a bad situation, i just stopped talking to one of his friends and he’s recently single. he says “i don’t talk” for our third bold move. i found him intriguing. i wanted to be by him. i went out that night after my shift i couldn’t seem to get by him close enough to actually talk to him, then drunk me messages him asking if he was still out or if he went home. long story short, he came over and i broke my 5 month dry spell for a boy i barely knew. but i was drawn to. i thought it was a sign. i hoped it was. i begged the universe to help me get over M. i want to let him go because it’s come to a point that i feel like it’s not going to go anywhere. i thought this was my saving grace. i think there’s a quote about putting too much hope into something right away, you’d think i’d learn by now. yet i still fell too hard too fast. 2 days later, his ex found out and messaged me claiming we were such good friends and she couldn’t believe i did this to her. this girl didn’t even know my birthday. she had no idea what my life was, who i truly was outside the bar scene. we were bar friends, nothing more. i was going to cut him off then because she said he was the one who told her. i felt betrayed. why would he tell her knowing what it would cause? well there’s a story behind it but it doesn’t matter, i really didn’t care how she felt about it, she’s been flaunting a new man since the day after they broke up. he wanted to come over again last night, and i was hesitant. he had been drinking and i was sober. his friend asked who he was talking to on the phone and he’s like “you know courtney the most beautiful girl in the world” and hit me with the “you know what i miss you” and all that bullshit that of course made me give in. and everything felt like the first night. magnetic. i didn’t wanna stop touching him, but i wanted to restrain myself i normally don’t give myself away like that…. but with him it was impossible. then this morning, exactly what i feared happened. he left and messaged me within the hour. he’s confused. he doesn’t know what he wants. how last night he was inviting me to a concert and telling me he misses me, then today he doesn’t know what he wants? how does someone i barely know affect me this much? why did i fall so hard so fast, why did he know everything to say to make it happen and then leave me like it was nothing to him. i shut out M for this guy because he made me feel like M used to… i thought it was a sign… turns out yet again i’m quite the idiot. how could i ever think a guy like that who dated a girl who looked like her would ever want me more than just sex? my life is repeating what happened two years ago with C. Why do I always think people are always better than they actually are, when in reality people suck and only use you for what they want. and he got what he wanted. so i’ve decided to turn it off.
